I Said To Myself: Is That All There Is To Love?

When I told Kimba what awaited her at the hands of Mistress she sat there staring at me for the longest time. Her expression was one of bewildered horror – her eyes and breathing stilled and the blood drained from her face. She ceased like a just dead person – that dissociated leaden expression passing over her yellow faketan face like a snowstorm over a tropical beach – but all the time my mind is blank of emotion or thought, and I could have been sitting there 6 million years and I wouldn’t have noticed even the rising and falling of empires outside my kitchen window so guilty did I feel.

She made the first move. She went to the kitchen cupboard and got out a plastic butter knife, like what you get in café’s, and with blind manic passion tried to slit her wrists with it.
- What’re you doin’? – I said. – You’re not gonna slit your wrists with those! Anyway, you’re meant to do it up and down not from sided to side. –
She changed her cutting action to up and down then, and I stood watching her for a minute or two, safe in the knowledge she would do no harm save for lift a miniscule layer of skin off, and when I got bored I snatched it off her and threw it at her cat, Boke.
- I’d prefer to be dead, Danny! – She screamed. – Dead! Do you hear me?! –
Her earlier catatonia had given way to an epileptic frenzy and she swung all round the room and I was sure I saw sparks jump of her too. Suddenly she stopped when she started complaining of spots in front of her eyes then let rip again stomping round and round the table, her arms: angled at the wrists and leading from there too – bolting out in all directions looking like she were a marionette being operated by Michael J Fox, or like a blind person driven lunatic trying to catch a fly by only hearing alone…

It ended up I had to put this tune on the turntable - one her paedophile foster carers used to play for her when she went 'Over The Rainbow’...-

And a video of Joanna as Dorothy (interesting lines then Somewhere Over the Rainbow is sung; Leona Lewis [on X-Factor, Britain's current American Idol-type] and others have been made to sing this particular MK song also [going over the rainbow = dissociation; to escape the horrific traumas they 'go over the rainbow'/dissociate from it]), American Idol is likely full of potential MK'd candidates ready for a life under total corporate control once they "win".

to lull her into a sense of dissociation again – when she said:
- I have a plan. These are the reasons Mistress has us acting out this sick fantasy for her - she said pointing at her spherical middle with our babies inside, - and the only reason we’re going to be part of her sick fantasy is so we can keep our heads above water financially for what? three months tops? Nah! We gotta outsick her, Danny Pongo. And I got the plan to end all plans! –
- That’s why I love ya’ bitch, - I said, lying…