The Jeremy Kyle Show: A Beautiful Thing

I was on the phone to Aloysius earlier telling him what was on Jeremy Kyle this afternoon. Today’s show was called 'Kyle’s Inspirational Kids’. The funniest one was this 7yr old boy born with his heart up his arse. Kyle is nearly as saccharine and insincere as he is just plain mad-as-a-bottle-of-chips. He did his sitting on the steps thing as well. In the usual ‘I’m your da and your ma’s your sister’ shows he only does this when he wants to carefully extract the contestants’ (and I mean contestant in the strictest sense of the word) incest stained, alcoholic story by empathizing-ing, before laying into them with his own special brand of tongue lashing. I'd hate to be his under achieving son. I am certain this is some sort of hypnotic technique he uses; maybe NLP (Neuro-Linquistic Programming).

But on today’s show he sat on the step the entire time. I don’t know why he did this. I’m sure none of the parade of unfortunates (including a manc Rocky Dennis 12 year old) needed to be put under the influence of Kyle’s mezmirizo parlour trick. Between the contestants pieces Kyle give a little trailer to the next one up. This had him somewhere in the middle of some Yorkshire town (or wherever he films it) sitting on a fountain in a German Army Jacket. He looked like a right down and out brain spastic. Maybe he is now. I’m not up early enough to see if he has any new shows on in the mornings. Maybe he’s been reduced to filming the links for his compilation shows in a grimy Leeds-esque town on his uncles old Panasonic camcorder. Now I remember, I’m sure I saw Graham in the background busking with a tambourine.

Jeremy Kyle strikes me as a sort of carnie for the 21st century. His show’s like the old 19th century carnivals, where folk used to go and watch men bareknuckle boxing or to stare and spit at the baby with the golden face freakshow. Now Kyle has brought the 21st century equivalent into our living rooms. Through the television. Only now we don’t see men fighting or midget freaks (most of the time), now we’ve got men shouting at their girlfriends telling them “the baby couldn’t be mine cos I only ever did you up the shitter.” It’s a beautiful thing.

The other week a woman was on telling her story of how her husband got her to eat the ashes of his dead first wife before killing her kids. I wondered had he got her to eat them too? That would be a family size meal that, wouldn’t it? These shows are not Jeremy’s typical fare either. Instead of having 2 or more guests on shouting the odds, on these specials he does, a single guest comes on and tells their awful (usually: rape, murder, child abuse, necrophilia, beastiality, a combination of the three) stories while being gently prodded by Kyle to not leave any of the venal details out. These take the form of one-man stage plays – like long monologues. These shows of his are like the Vagina Monologues for the noughties. It’s a beautiful thing.

So I told Aloysius about what he was missing on Kyle, seeing he’s carrying out an experiment by not owning, or watching, TV. Some of the best TV of the latter half of the first decade of the 21st century and he’s missing. For shame. For shame. Then I heard this lush mellow come on, on his turntable in the background, which is what he fills his days with now, listening to old vinyl records. I aksed him what it was and it was this:

That Carlos Ponce

...so I told Aloysius’s story second hand to Micheesha who by the end of it was as incredulous as I was about it all.
- That’s fock’in’ nansense – she said, v.annoyed, like she’d taken a personal affront to what I’d just told her, and that that was my fault.
This happens a lot to me and the likes of Bogdan. You tell someone a tall tale; usually to some dweeby wee scroat, and they get all flustered and reprimand you for trying to pull their leg. One geek, named Carlos Ponce, was particularly annoyed once when I told him my great aunt had a condition where pubes were growing out her scalp and that this was an internationally recognised medical condition called Pubis Headus; using Don King as an example.
- Don’t tell fuckin’ lies to me, Danny Pongo! There’s no way that is a real medical condition. It would’ve been the subject of a million jokes; and I’m sure I would’ve written 500,000 of them. I’m not been taken anymore on one of your joyrides of the imagination. – He fancied himself as a bit of a comedy writer that Carlos Ponce, whose fave song was this:

The story I basically told to Micheesha was prefaced hurriedly by what led up to this strange episode, which is talked about here, here, here, here and here.

When Aloysius entered the city with the madly tall skyscrapers he promptly fell asleep again, hypnotised as he was by the unfathomable heights of those monolith gleaming steel and glass edifices. When he came to he was being wheeled along a corridor that ran along the glass panelled side of a large long laboratory. When he got to the end of the corridor he was abruptly turned left into a small felt padded room with a Formica counter running round the edge. Here there was a man in dark glasses and a dark polyester suit who was standing tapping away at a computer keyboard that was situated at waist level. When this man noticed that Aloysius had entered he turned round and motioned to him to get up out of his wheelchair and to step forward. In a nutshell the man told Aloysius that Greg the Torturer had been tracked for a long time re his Internet usage and that he was building up a regular addiction to child porn. An anonymous message had been sent to Gregory and he was threatened to desist from his pursuit of Aloysius, his pal, and pal's ex or else the proper authorities would be notified.
Aloysius then told me that he and the man in the shades had a long discussion about it and they decided that Gregory the Torturer deserved to die anyway because of his online viewing habits. So the agency the man in the shades worked for sent Gregory another package, which contained a Dyonaskin Leaping Frog, which, when attached to your skin, will rub in a deadly poison. It transpired in their conversation that They had tried to kill Gregory in the past, because of his brutal paramilitary torturing techniques, but the Frog got him in the eye and Gregory survived, which explains the patch. This time they said they’d definitely get him, cos this time they said they were going to pack two Dyonaskin Leaping Frogs and that that would defo do the job.

It was at this point Micheesha cut me off.
- Gregory the Torturer’s not dead – she squealed, unable to take the stream of unbelievableness I’d so far talked on.
- Gregory the Torturer’s alive and well. I saw him buying milk in the Mace this morning. And that eye patch he wears? A fuckin’ frog didn’t jump into his eye. He hit himself up the gub with a pool cue when he was torturin’ some cunt and knocked his eye out.
- Maybe he was a ghost that you saw in the Mace – I timidly offered.
- Fuck’ah – grumbled Micheesha.

...murkier and murkier.

Boy Bush The Butcher

Aloysius hasn’t been in touch since yesterday evening so I’m to assume he’s safe. There has been no sign of Torturer Gregory the drug dealer either. Nevertheless last night I constructed a makeshift catapult, getting a woman’s stocking I found behind the fridge and nailing it either side of the doorframe at head height. I then selotaped a load of nuts and bolts together to use as a projectile were anyone to burst in unannounced. I reckon I’ll have some time to prepare the catapult, stretching it back and lining up my shot before anyone gets in. it would take a good five minutes of solid hard booting of my door to get it through.

Last night in order to stop being paranoid about Torturing Gregory coming round I trawled the internets looking for something else that would distract my strung out psyche. And fuck a duck – did I find it!

If I were to tell you George W Bush was held on suspicion of mass murder having carried out a Satanic Sacrifice Ritual in a place called Brownsville, Texas would you believe me? No? Yes? Well go here and look then...

Portland Indy Media Centre picks up the story, making the well researched point that the only individual spared the death sentence during W’s tenure as Texas governor, over battered women, pensioners and the mentally disabled, was the notorious and massively prolific Henry Lee Lucas:

'On June 30th of 1998, Henry Lee Lucas, arguably the most prolific and certainly one of the most sadistic serial killers in the annals of crime was scheduled for execution by the state of Texas. Given the advocacy of the death penalty by Governor George W. Bush, things clearly weren't looking good for Henry at that time.....

The very next day ... Lucas became the first ... recipient of Governor Bush's compassionate conservatism. The official rationale for this act of mercy was, apparently ... evidence ... did not support his conviction ... Never mind that many of the 130 death row inmates who did not get special attention prior to their executions had credible claims of innocence that were met with by nothing but scorn and mockery.'

They go on to cite an article from Sherman Skolnick who details Bush Senior’s involvement with Zapata Offshore Oil Company, a tentacle of the CIA, who ran their drugs out of Columbia, funnelling it through Mexico into...Brownsville Texas, which is a stone’s throw over the Mexican boarder. This was principally to fund the Contra’s in beating the reds – an op detailed in Gary Webb’s Dark Alliance that I talked about here. Skolnick goes on to connect the dots between the El Padrino cult, CIA drug mules, mind control and SRA (Saranic Ritual Abuse) all taking place in and around the smuggling routes between Matamoros, Mexico and Brownsville. Here's the start of his article:

'"SUNNYVALE, CA - Telling reporters and critics to 'stick to the issues that matter', Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush declined to answer questions Monday concerning his alleged involvement in a 1984 Brownsville, TX, mass murder, in which 17 people were ritualistically murdered and skinned. 'I will not stoop to discussing that,' said Bush during a campaign stop at a Bay Area software-packaging plant. 'We've got people across this country without health care, a broken educational system, taxes that are way too high, and all you want to talk about is something THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAPPENED 16 years ago? I'm sorry, but I find that offensive.' " (Emphasis added).'

So, yeah. Bush butchered 17 people. And yeah, he butchered a million and a half or whatever in his War On Terror (ridiculous as a war on dandruff! says Gore Vidal) indirectly, with orders from on high. Must’ve been that back in the day Boy Bush liked to hone his trade on the factory floor, so to speak.

I came in tonight from a drugs run to find Aloysius watching eccentric talkshow Guilty. Guilty hosted by Carole Malone is a tough thing to absorb. You’re never entirely sure if it is all some rudimentary exercise in mind control aimed at warping the minds of insomniac out-of-work no hopers. Aloysius wouldn’t class himself in this category but this last year or so I would.

That guest in the brown jacket is like Wogan’s discarded half brother, said Aloysius. Then his brother who’s been cheating with his sister in law Aloysius describes as looking: boring and weird his weirdness not necessarily exclusive from his boringness. Then again he is like a Brookside spectacular character – like someone Phil Redmond brings in to return Brookside to its working class roots – a trade unionist to spar with Jimmy Corkhill.

The conversation progressed to how a character from Brookside appeared in Hollyoaks, the same character, which was a first for British soap;

The Americans, however, says Aloysius, have been doing it for years...remember The Colbys? It shared characters from Dynasty – some might say it was the same show but viewed through different reality tunnels – what is true is that the characters in The Colbys either are or are related to characters from Dynasty.

Remember Fallon is abducted by aliens, I noted. From the big final season grand finale?

What do you think would be worse? Raping a 12 yr old girl or a 99 yr old woman?

...God I don’t know Aloysius...

I’ll tell you. The judge would look less favorably on you if you raped the 99 yr old woman. Her chances of survival are much slimmer than that of the 12 yr old girl...

Thank you Aloysius.