Sex Guru Wank Race

When the song ended I endeavoured to do my best to calm Bogdan and try to convince him not to worry about his toasted skin.

I read through the article in the paper and noted that it mentions near the end that toasted skin is pretty harmless and only in very rare cases do you get melanoma from it. Bogdan was relieved at this and observed, as much for my benefit than for his, that he had no moles on his legs and as “its moles that are the main things on your body that are infected by things like sunlight and UV light and general heat like from a microwave then I’ve nothing to worry about. And if I’m about to buck a girl for the first time I’ll tell her the burns are from saving a whole family, 3 generations, from a house fire.”

Bogdan then went on to rant and rave in a generally unfocused monotone about moles and people with moles, taking in Cindy Crawford, Enrique Iquelzies and Robert De Nero. In order to get him off the subject I suggested we go online to look for Porn-a-Likes...

So today’s Porn-a-Like is Denise Robertson the terribly moany, makes-everything-sound-worse-than-it-actually-is by-the-way-she-draws-out-her-sad-sad-words This Morning agony aunt.

So me and Bogdan made some time inventing a story for Denise Robertson and her foray into the world of vice and concluded that what had happened to the poor old duck was that she were taken in by some New-Age sex therapist guru who schooled her in the ways of “cognitive sexual workings out of the problems of the mind” as Bogdan put it. After she left the guru’s enclave in South America Denise went back on This Morning and began to use the guru’s teachings on the bevy of young men that ring into her helpline looking for ways to spot genital warts and AIDS.



Here she is photographed in a sting operation set up by the News Of The World who have hired a rentboy and give him journalist credentials (Like Jeff Gannon). When the story broke Denise set up an elaborate ruse where a recording of her own voice was rung into her helpline live on This Morning. Her recorded voice went through a list of the terrible things that’d happened to her since the story broke and Denise live in the studio’s eyes glazed over and she began to cut herself with a switchblade that she pulled out from her substantial cleavage. Scoffield and Holly Willobry go apeshit and Denise, thrown by their thespianic startled-ness, proceeds to stick Scoffield in the Adam’s Apple and cut both Holly’s tits off.

After me and Bogdan decided we were happy with the parallel life we’d created for This Morning agony aunt Denise Robertson we went to look for some real porn to have a wank race over, which hopefully, by the end of, we’d be tired enough to go to sleep to.

Oil Paintings Of X-Rated Picnics

I have been laid up with my leg in plaster. Today Bogdan turned up in his ace Ford Capri and he suggested I get some fresh air, as there was more than the faint whiff of cum and farts of me.
You stink, Danny Pongo, is what he said.
So we went for a run to the forest for a smoke and a picnic. Again his favourite topic of sex came up.

I’d like to know what it feels like to get fucked as a woman. Not like a woman, because I wouldn’t, but as one.
Why?
Because when they come they feel it all over for ages. When a man comes its quick and it’s all centred round your member the sensation. But it’s strange, as it feels so much better for them that women want it less often than men. Men want it all the time.
Maybe cos it feels better for them they need it less. For men as its more blink-and-you’ll-miss-it they have a greater need to recreate that transient state.
Makes you feel that the oversexed man’s just got a bad rap and in fact can’t help themselves. I’d just love it though, have a big man loom over me and slide it in. and fuck me quick.
I know what you mean from my porn viewing. A woman coming’s like a major tectonic shift, compared to a man, which is more like an ant’s sneeze in comparison.

Which brings me to my porn-a-like for this post.



Today's pornalike is Michelle McManus. Poor Michelle McManus. After her lacklustre crooning pursuits came apart at the heaving seams she turns her hand to porn to keep the kindling of her stardom going, with messy results.

Recently I have borne witness to many strange and otherworldly phenomenon while laid up in my mother’s. How I came to be here is a long story winding up in me falling off a house and shattering my kneecap.

In my mother’s, which is haunted, I have over a series of nights witnessed orbs, shadow people, objects moving of their own volition, wisps and black balls of malevolent energy.

One morning years ago we came down to find a little fire burning in the middle of the kitchen. Another time the scraggily bodies of 3 dead crows were found in the fridge. Back then mother thought it was me acting out in a surreal turn of adolescent rebellion. But as the time went on she came round to my way of seeing things and admitted there was a strange and not necessarily good force in her house.

I have a hankering for getting in a medium whenever I am back on my feet. When I mentioned this to Bogdan he warned ‘mediums can do more harm than good. They can provoke a spirit into greater acts of evil. They’re like the occult equivalent of agent provocateurs!”