Porn-a-Like Bumper Issue

Today’s Porn-a-Like is a double feature starring: Bruno Brookes & Michelle McManus.

One day after a particularly tough rollicking from his latest wife Bruno Brookes decides that in his constant struggle for superiority over women he has been defeated, and so, in rolling out one old chestnut after another to console himself he gets out one of his favoured index cards and writes: “If you can’t beat ‘em (and you can’t Bruno, John Law says so) join ‘em” and selotapes this to his forehead before going to his GP to get the ins-and-outs of sex realignment op.

Here he is enjoying a tryst with Michelle McManus who Bruno has signed to his new record label, Mullet in a Gusset, in a vain attempt to get back into Show Biz. Unfortunately Michelle’s first single ‘Would You Eat Lasagne With Me’ sank without a trace and the label went into liquidation. Bruno though, no stranger to failure and a genius in turning a turd into a triple layer sponge cake of cash re-launched the label as a porn outfit, married Michelle in Britain’s first ever lesbian-transgender-marriage officiated over by the newly ordained Jedward (who have also signed up to the smut label as a novelty gay-twin-incest priest outfit) and since then the bizarre porn he produces, (a screen cap of which appears below) has seen him/her amass a fortune of 100million pounds, most of which he/she has reinvested into shares in hotdogs and the people that produce the jokes on ice lolly sticks.

From the Bruno Brookes produced porno ‘An Angel In My Fanny’ a much circulated shot* taken by Gloria Hunniford of her very distended labia in which she insists you can see the face of her beloved dead daughter and ex-Blue Peter illuminati (alumnus) Karen Keating.


Today while kicking around a few ideas as to how to make money to feed the baby Kimba will be dropping soon, I drew up finally two possibilities;

1. Turn her out. ---- Downside: John’s mostly don’t go for pregnant chicks, so I’ve heard.
2. Put her in the movies, i.e. porn. The freaks are no longer on the streets and have decamped to their bedroom. There’s any amount of freaks out there looking to get their rocks off to dubious material. One facet of the freak market is pregnant chicks porno. In porn the more freakish the shit the higher a price you can sell it for.

So I put this latter idea to Kimba, telling her that if we’re freaky enough one video could pay off so much we wouldn’t have to make any more.
How freaky, she asked.
Well, very, I said. Like some sort of bestiality will have to be involved. Probably the imbibing of menstrual blood. Maybe at some point we could induce labour and when the wee scrota comes out we get the dog, some big Alsatian or Pit Bull or something, to eat it alive. Freaks dig death -
No, she squealed.
Only joking, I chortled.
I’m up for some freaky shit, she said conveniently. Me and The Mistress used to get up to all sorts of profaneness. Actually she could help us out no end in this. Let’s get her help. I’m sure she’s forgiven me for our last falling out, plus you can finally get to meet her. Yay, she went in a meek-numb faux smack head fashion.
No fuck, meet her? I said with much more feeling...No! We can do it ourselves.

* The above is mostly made up, but whoever can tell me what this really is will get a surprise baggy from yours truly, Danny Pongo. --- And so here's Bowie, Hammersmith 1972 to ruminate to:

Oil Paintings Of X-Rated Picnics

I have been laid up with my leg in plaster. Today Bogdan turned up in his ace Ford Capri and he suggested I get some fresh air, as there was more than the faint whiff of cum and farts of me.
You stink, Danny Pongo, is what he said.
So we went for a run to the forest for a smoke and a picnic. Again his favourite topic of sex came up.

I’d like to know what it feels like to get fucked as a woman. Not like a woman, because I wouldn’t, but as one.
Why?
Because when they come they feel it all over for ages. When a man comes its quick and it’s all centred round your member the sensation. But it’s strange, as it feels so much better for them that women want it less often than men. Men want it all the time.
Maybe cos it feels better for them they need it less. For men as its more blink-and-you’ll-miss-it they have a greater need to recreate that transient state.
Makes you feel that the oversexed man’s just got a bad rap and in fact can’t help themselves. I’d just love it though, have a big man loom over me and slide it in. and fuck me quick.
I know what you mean from my porn viewing. A woman coming’s like a major tectonic shift, compared to a man, which is more like an ant’s sneeze in comparison.

Which brings me to my porn-a-like for this post.



Today's pornalike is Michelle McManus. Poor Michelle McManus. After her lacklustre crooning pursuits came apart at the heaving seams she turns her hand to porn to keep the kindling of her stardom going, with messy results.

Recently I have borne witness to many strange and otherworldly phenomenon while laid up in my mother’s. How I came to be here is a long story winding up in me falling off a house and shattering my kneecap.

In my mother’s, which is haunted, I have over a series of nights witnessed orbs, shadow people, objects moving of their own volition, wisps and black balls of malevolent energy.

One morning years ago we came down to find a little fire burning in the middle of the kitchen. Another time the scraggily bodies of 3 dead crows were found in the fridge. Back then mother thought it was me acting out in a surreal turn of adolescent rebellion. But as the time went on she came round to my way of seeing things and admitted there was a strange and not necessarily good force in her house.

I have a hankering for getting in a medium whenever I am back on my feet. When I mentioned this to Bogdan he warned ‘mediums can do more harm than good. They can provoke a spirit into greater acts of evil. They’re like the occult equivalent of agent provocateurs!”