Tuesday, 7 December 2010

People Take My Advice: If You Love Someone, Don't Think Twice

I came and the little Christian girl’s head ceased to bob, almost instinctively, and instantaneously I felt great guilt and an immense personal revelation dawned:

I couldn’t live without my Kimba, melted off face and all.

I sat and listened to this track, sitting by the record player weeping and stroking scabey, smelly Boke the Cat, who lay all curled up on my lap.

After I cum in the Christian girl’s mouth (whose name was Cleo) I give her my copy off Physical Graffiti (for her trouble) and told her to fuck off.

I decided I needed to get out of the house and so went off in my car slowly, zigzagging up the icy ungritted street I live on knocking wing mirrors off the other cars as I went.

I was headed toward the Lower Ormeau to the Rose & Crown pub to see if my pal Sweeney was there cos really I was sick of the other two (Bogdan &Bosco) finally and enough.

Having parked my car in the entrance of the local library, as I was afraid to take my motor any further down the particular street it was on as it looked even shinier and icier than my own street, I made my way gingerly along then to the Rose & Crown, making sure not to slip.

I was pleased to find Sweeney was in the pub then with his sister Gertie, who was on the G&T’s by the look of things. I snuck up behind him and did that tap-one-shoulder-loom-over-the-other-shoulder swticheroo and frightened the giddy cunt then when he turned to see it was me standing there.

So I joined Gertie and him for a drink and ended up sitting there all afternoon with them crying into my drink and telling them how lovely and sweet Kimba was. Gertie sweetly and tenderly stroked my leg and I played with her hair and twiddled her dangly Pat Butcher earrings.

Sweeny, who doesn’t like talk about emotions and stuff, tried to change the subject and talk about his war against the Scientologists. I humoured him for a bit then got bored and decided to instead listen to Gertie talk about how complicated William Burroughs is and how reading his books is like trying to do a Rubik’s Cube blind.

She was very scatty, Gertie. She somehow got onto how the other night she’d a dream her head were stuck in a toilet bowl for what seemed like years with only her nose above water so she could breathe.

After what seemed like years, as I’ve said, the face of Julian Simmons appeared above her. He give one of his sinister camp-paedophile grins then he turned and his fat, pale ginger arse planted itself down just inches from her face, blocking out all the light like an eclipse, and he proceeded to shit all over her, in her mouth and everything.

I asked her what she thought it meant and she said she didn’t know.

After a while it got obvious that she’d’ve bucked me, Gertie, but I still pined so hard for Kimba that I didn’t think I’d be up to it.

All I had was this song running through my head on a loop:

So I put it on on the jukebox and walked outta there.


  1. I loved that story. Really enjoying this blog. Nicely fucked up, a bit Irvine Welshish but with a slightly less evil soul.. Like the pictures too.. Gonna make my way through these stories, a welcome reprieve from work. Onwards and upwards.

  2. Thanks awfully, DumbBaby.

    Love Irvine Welsh, so that comparisons got me all a-blush!

  3. Who Is This Julian Simmons ? I Think I Recognise The Type.

  4. Julian Simmons is a local tv man providing the links on our regional itv channel utv or ulster television.

    he is a camp and fragrant ogre - very sinister and not all together real - more hallucinatory

  5. He has a double on BBC Look North in Leeds!

  6. oh my god. don't tell me there's two of them! they probably have a whole production line going somewhere in the outer hebridies

  7. You really seem to hate Julian Simmons. Laugh.

  8. Intriguing writing.
    I'll have to follow up on your blog.

  9. SB - Don't hate him per se....its just i feel...well...i'll let you take a look here:


    i hope this clearly illustrates why this strange man gives me the willies (excuse the pun). note his seizure by a demonic entity halfway through the video, live on my tv!

    the guy in the silk taffeta dress - thanks v.much, and i will take a trip over to yours sometime today as well to have a gander.

  10. As Tony brings up BBC Look North I was following up on an Alan Partridge woman name of Tanya Arnold. A minor demon when compared to CorrieChronosSimmonssszzz. I wonder what Crowley would have thought.

  11. My verification word for that comment was "oulati" which is something CorrieChronosSimmonsssszzz might say. And did you know he blogs his presentation styles too? I'm sure you're not much richer for that than I.

  12. Andy - i'm sure Crowley would be spinning in his grave if he were to witness such a wanton misuse of his magick.

    hmm...'oulati'?...i wouldn't say it out loud lest you summon the strange ginger demon and have him materialise in your front room.

    can't believe that blog. he's probably going to stitch them all together to make one long obscure narrative!

    right...you've put me in the mind to watch Partridge. off to watch his new stuff...A-Ha!