Tuesday, 24 November 2009

I *heart* Jo Wheeler

Today I met Bogdan for a smoke of weed in the park. He was telling me about how last Saturday night he met this fat girl in the Slimeshite (Limelight) who he took back to his smelly pad to buck. I asked him how fat was fat –
“She was fat as fuck,” he told me. Fat As Fuck. I’m not exaggerating. If I told you she was 27 stone I wouldn’t be far off. She'd an arse like a peninsula.”
“That’s a new one,” I offered.
“Yes. She was enormous. Surface area of about 5 and a half foot. And wouldn’t you know? I went down on her. Her insides were very spacious, I went down to her fanny, and took a look, and it was like staring through a window into a big mansion.”
“My goodness!”
“I started to worry that I should’ve brought distress flares. After finishin’ on her flares are the only way they’d find me again.”

It was my turn to talk about sex then, and I told Bogdan how I was getting fed up of Kimba and all her funny notions about witchcraft and dark side people and light workers. I told about how it takes nearly all night to fuck her with all her weird tantric rituals and warm ups etc. when all I wanted to do was bust a nut. Plus it meant I missed all my programmes like Coronation Street and Lesser Spotted Ulster with sad sack Joe Mehan.

Secretly, because I kept it to myself and didn’t even mention it to Bogdan, my emotional passionlust toward a certain Sky News weather girl has been reignited somehow. Her name is Jo Wheeler. She ticks all my boxes. She is older, around 45 (my cut off point – like the last day you could eat a bit of fruit), and has the sexiest smokiest eyes to ever kindle within a human skull. She is to eyes what Julie London is to vocal chords. Monochrome erotically evaporating perspiration, my girl. And I mean monochrome like a verb........(ignore little gimp if ad comes up)

I am thinking of writing to her again. I’d tell her I agonisingly yearn to sink my face into her slightly wrinkled cleavage. I’d describe how I’d like to spurt reams of cum in between her freckled brown tits and how I’d like to watch my spermatozoa run along that slightly wrinkled cleavage like many milky rivulets – the milk squeezed from the golden udder of a Hindu cow deity that floats around in the sky.

Then again, on second thoughts, when I wrote a letter to her a couple of years ago, when I was annoyed she’d got a new hairdo (reprinted below)

“Dear Jo,

I would like to ask you: ‘what were you thinking?’ when you asked Stacey/Chanelle the hairdresser to sculpt such an abortion of a haircut upon your skull. I am very angry. Till your beautiful natural auburn hair grows back I would like you to wear a wig. If you do not I will kill your family! Only joking ;). Love ya doll!

Your Playboy Lover,

Danny Pongo xx”
the Sky News computer security goons sent me a very terse email back insisting I ‘desist from my correspondence with Jo Wheeler’ or ‘the proper authorities would be notified.’

Bogdan tells me not to give it up with Kimba. He says, “Once you throw it away, away can’t throw it back...” I don’t like Bogdan’s glib philosophy. It too accessible.

Here is the gorgeous Julie London:

8 comments:

  1. That sky news doll is heartless for not getting back to you on that. I'd love to receive a letter like that from an admirer.

    BTW stay away from the witchy cult people, they are dangerous as fuck. They'll ask you if you'll let them kill a goat in your house and if the cops come you'll get fucked, not them.

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  2. yeh, she is. but i better not send any more adoring letters to her or she'll have the cops on me quicker than any divilworshippers!

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  3. im sorry, she aint a patch on Lucy Verasamy.......

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  4. oh no! i'd have to disagree with you there. there's something to be said for the experience of a mature woman - and jo's got that knowing look in her eyes that says 'i know all the tricks in wonderland, boy...so come hither!'

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  5. Well I suppose its much healthier than breathing in the excitement of a nine year old whose father has just gone to Afghanistan and letting the seductive aspect of this and her christmas list form a pool of saliva on one of your 40/50yr old chins. I can't seem to find the clip from approx 5:30 on the 17th November, but do you know which Sky News anchor I might be referring to?

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  6. Guys, seriously. This is my best friends mum. I just read this with the up most fucking horror.

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  7. As the husband of Jo Wheeler, and the father of our children, this piece is both utterly offensive and outside of any bounds of reasonable decency.

    In the absence of any obvious way of contacting the people that manage this site, I would respectfully request that this is removed within the next 48 hours.

    Failure to adhere to this request will result in the matter being handed over to people who can trace those responsible as well as the organisations set up specifically to prevent this form of abuse

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  8. That doesn't really make it a request then, more of a threat. However, as you're taking the time to project an air of civility, would you be able to get a message to Jeremy Thompson for me?

    I was a bit shy about saying, your friend's mum/your wife has lovely smouldering eyes.

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