Thursday, 30 June 2011

Doesn't Have A Point Of View, Knows Not Where He's Going To, Isn't He A Bit Like You & Me

"He always went with a jubilant spring in his step - but in his heart there swole a mushroom cloud on every horizon...and the possibility of one round every corner.
He had a car that never started anytime it rained, and he? he lived between worlds. It is lucky in a way, because the rain would depress him and make him drink. And so Mother Nature became his designated driver – raining on the car so it didn't start and preventing him from driving anywhere pissed."

There are people who ascribe some magic superstitions to cars. Like my Uncle Dudley; who in telling me this story this afternoon about the death his pal Billy Wheelbarrow in the summer of 1986 theorized that it were his car's bad luck (Billy Wheelbarrow's car's) that caused it to stall and crash on the M4 killing him instantly. 

Just like everyone knew would happen the car stopped working just as a heavy summer rain began and it crashed into a bus. 

Uncle Dudley said the downpour this afternoon, in an afternoon in 2011, reminded him, in its ferocity, of the rain that fell 25 years ago, in 1986, and that killed his pal Billy Wheelbarrow by stopping his car in its tracks on the motorway.

My Uncle Dudley is a great one for reminising. We get into arguments often when he reminisces as he does. Arguments over such things like: Where was The Woodstock Festival held? Uncle Dudley insists it were held on the Isle Of White...I go mental telling him it were upstate New York....sometimes my sis Micheesha tells me to let him be and let him think what he likes.

He is also a great one for the impromptu one liners. 

For e.g: We pulled up in Connswater's car park the other day. Uncle Dudley spied this cocky MILF exiting her car in the parking bay beside us. She'd a wide arse and a skinny waist... 
 ...Uncle Dudley yelled, - You love! You've an arse like a bag of spanners!

Uncle Dudley has bad nights and wakes from his sleep often. He screams out, “Leave Me Alone!” or “Fuck Off!”

Me and my sis Micheesha think he's done time and this is what he is shouting about. We think maybe he got a hard time in the clink and these are the terrible episodes he revisits every night in his nightmares.

But he takes me on runs up into the country. He races cross country over into Donegal. We appreciated the mountain ranges out there and take pictures, fucking with the perspective --- like I squat in the foreground, with some mountain in the background, lining it up so's it looks like I'm sitting with the pointy bit at the top of the mountain sticking up my hole.

Uncle Dudley loves this type of humour and loves it when the conversation turns blue.

Every time on the way home we end up buying cheap feags* and always, somewhere on the road, he gives me this micro-lecture about marriage, or rather about why you should never get married:
 - Why make one woman miserable when you can bring pleasure to so many?
 - Yeh, Uncle Dudley...Yeh!

Then he puts some Beatles in his cassette deck. And usually he plays this un, cos its his favourite:

*feags - cigarettes 


  1. That was a lovely bloody story. I wander here when I do cos I love the evil hilarity in your tales, but I like the heartwarmers too. And the beatles are better than jesus, obviously..

  2. Thank you DumbBaby...and yes, having gone off The Beatles there for a while, they are once again Top Of The Pops for me...

    and cheers for the follow, too :)

  3. Danny,
    Uncle Dudley has great wit and hilarious one liners.
    Great stuff!

  4. j - thanks man! I'll pass those compliments onto Uncle Dudley, too

  5. Don't know your Uncle Dudley. But know a few like him. It's always a pleasure to listen to the stories about what happened to this one or the other. And while the tales don't often have a moral, and may indeed be immoral, there are things to be learned. And a good laugh is had at times if one gets the joke.

  6. Erie Crackhead - Yes i think there's an Uncle Dudley in everyone's extended family - blood or fraternal.

    as for these stories i just tell em as they happen...most stories like their inhabitants have absolutely no morals whatsoever!

    glad they're raising a chuckle nevertheless

  7. Uncle Dudley is like a paragon of morality. Invigorating's to more Dudley days.

  8. Andy Luke - Might be a general disintegration of the 'moral fabric' if every day was to be a Dudley Day, though