Monday, 9 November 2009

Monkey The Dog

Sitting with Aloysius at the minute. We have made a discovery (through Rueben's intel networks) that voice synthesisers, so loved by Stephen Hawking and other vocally disadvantaged people, are being used by terrible menacing louts to make threatening phone calls to young mothers informing them their precious children have been killed in various horrible and blood curdling fashions - such as being eaten alive by pigs or murdered by splinter group republicans in a razor-blade bomb. The scallywags have been claiming that they are in fact Stephen Hawking, or other stars who rely on the voice synthesisers, such as Elizabeth Taylor. Some of the more clued in mothers have questioned the veracity of the likes of Stephen Hawking personally delivering this news, and as a result are ignoring the phone calls.
The other day I was up in the Deliverance-esque Portavogie. It is my feeling there are more dogs there than people. Dogs have overrun the place. Packs of dogs hang around the only connection local Portavogians have to the outside world, which is the Mace.Here newspapers are sold, which include The Star and The Sport, which the locals purchase hungrily in an attempt to learn more about the world outside the town's atrophied limits. But obtaining such a jaundiced celebrity obsessed view of the world do not do the Portavogian's any favours. Incidences of stabbings and incest are common place, and most Portavogian children between the ages of 7 and 17 believe Jordan is the Prime Minister, and the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith is the US president.

It was walking along the Harbour Road on Friday night I encountered one of Portavogie's more vicious canines - who chased me determinedly up a tree. Its name was Monkey. Monkey the Dog. And it was a Rotweiller. Details to come......

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