Monday, 8 November 2010

I Could Be The Hands That Breaks The Chains That Set You Free: Gary McKinnon, Frustrated 90s Popster

This evening I went round to my mother’s on the back of an invite for a spot of cold night hot Sunday Roast, which mainly consisted of heated up burnt things like spuds and carrots to eat.

So I expected to walk in to a big spread with loads of meat and veg’...presenting with wispy wet pallid steam rising in snaking random plumes from it all and smelling great...but instead I came in through her side door to find her sitting at the kitchen table with a collage of Dear Deirdre articles that she’d cut outta The Sun spread out in front of her.

She explained to me that she were making up an epic narrative from these Dear Deirdre strips, combining the photo stories with the letter problems. I don’t know why, it must have been my mood, but I embraced this keenly as an inspired though overall-ly original art venture. So much so that the specific particular emotions, palpably yielding a notable chemical movement in my mind, turned up a memory of Outsider Artist Henry Darger and his Vivian Girls epic.

When I went back home I was frightened and disappointed to discover someone had put a banger through my letterbox. All the junk mail that had collected in the corner was burnt up into a black shiny mush and poor Boke the Cat was cowering in the corner licking his tail, which was all singed and baldy at the end.

I closed and double locked the front door and poked about in the big pile of ashes the remains of all the many sad months of junk mail and found amidst it all a day-glo post-it note untouched and perfectly preserved miraculously like a Ark Of The Covenant type divine relic.

It read:

“From your intel contact, Rueben.

Gary McKinnon stumbled upon something v.big. US Marines being trained by ET in specially fitted anti-grav’ bases on the moon. Check it out...

PS G.McKinnon was a try-hard pop star in the ‘90’s. Look it up. Then look further.”

I fucking hate Richard Madeley. Actually I once had an idea for a programme I thought might have a chance of getting made by one of the major networks, called 'Madeley Feeds Africa', where Richard goes to Africa and visits 3 starving townships who are required to put on a show so's to provide him with the utmost entertainment. At the end of each episode Madeley decrees which township put on the best show and for a prize this township receives a free UN food drop for a whole year. The two losing townships however are machine gunned to death by Judy Finnegan in an overflying Apache Helicoptor, while the pineal glands of the still warm corpses are to be extracted and fed to her in a vain attempt to cure her alcoholism.

So I sent it into them.

And still haven't heard back.


  1. This is a horrible, disgusting idea. Plus Judy Finnegan is NOT an alcoholic, this is just one of the many horrible rumours put about by the tabloids.

    Shame on you!

  2. My wife is almost seventeen now. I won't let her watch Richard Madeley anymore. She's of that age now. my son, Darius, insists but daddy, tabloids are growing up. They report on real news stories like on that internet. Then I give him a clip around the ear and superglue a picture of Jon Snow to his forehead. Tough love. I don't want to do it, but it will help him learn. - Seb

  3. This is too funny.
    Even sick I can laugh.

  4. Seb - I don't know who i'd want to slap more, the obnoxious madeley or the righteous jon snow.

    Anna - i really thought this show could work, but madeley would have to front it. wouldnt work otherwise.

    but if you want to see funny go watch madeley interview rapist president, bill clinton. pompostiy meets sycophancy meets farce with hilarious results...

  5. Danny,
    I love your programme idea. I'd watch it, man. I once had an idea for a Manson Family Thanksgiving programme. Instead of carving the turkey, Manson would carve swastikas on the guests' heads. What do you think?

    Thanks for visiting over at mine.



  6. The 90s were VERY frustrating for a number of reasons, weren't they?

  7. hi Sarcastic Bastard. thanks for coming by here yourself.

    on your first point thank you for complimenting and recognising the comedy potential in the 'Madeley Feeds Africa' concept, fronted by one Richard Madeley. its just a pity you weren't on the commissioning board of either the bbc or itv. think i've just come over all alan partridge.

    on your second point i guess it depends on what part of the 90's you mean. music wise you had grunge, acid house (for some of it), brit pop (good and bad), an evolution in dance and trance...i could go on.

    but by frustrating i think i get what you mean: we hadn't yet shaken our polyester and aerosol shackles of the 80's but still our soaring imaginations were tempered by our still stunted technological advancements. do you remember the internet '97-'98? gods!

    then again, i suppose the same could be said of now re our attitudes to things.

  8. PS Sarcastic Bastard: i think your Manson Family Thanksgiving programme idea is wicked-bad!

    they could carve up their victims after they do the bird and with their blood smear 'TURKEYS' all over the walls, just like they did in the Tate house with 'PIGS'.

    there is a shit programme on the bbc called 'my family'. when it first came on a few years ago i thought it was going to be a light hearted half hour bit of sitcom fluff about Charley and the gang. like The Munsters meets The Wlatons. unfortunately no. but if you would like to read about what i'd like to happen to one of the stars of that show click on 'BT Couple' on the labels list down the right hand side.

  9. Danny,
    I love your colourful addition to my Manson Family programme idea. Blood writing! Yes, man. YES. I knew I was missing something.