Friday, 27 May 2011

Feel Sick And Dirty, More Dead Than Alive

Today I got in a wild paranoid funk that ended up wasting the greater part of my afternoon. So paranoid was I that I missed a crucial episode of Neighbours.

What triggered it was the black helicopter that sat hovering directly above my house for two and a half hours.

I had this morning, as I have been doing every morning this past fortnight, risen when my TV switched itself on to coincide with the start of The Jeremy Kyle Show. After it was over I turned the tele off for some quiet time before This Morning started. It was then I heard it, the distant but nevertheless distinctive sound of a hovering helicopter, a hum like that of a mechanical mosquito.

I went out into the back garden and looked up at it. There it hung, glinting a little in the late morning sun. I went back inside and took from my cutlery drawer my novelty Batman Telescope that I got free of the cover of Tiger Beat many moons ago.

This Batman Telescope, being free thus shite, did not reveal much, except to say there were no markings on the thing, and it were a slightly dull blacky silver. I found this very perturbing.

I went back inside shaking my head and devising a plan, a plan that did not take much time in piecing itself together inside my mind. I would try to get a rise out of the sky creeps by getting the big iron pipe Party Time kept under his pillow and pointing it at them like it were a rifle (they probably wouldn't've been able to tell from up there), see if they fucked off or what.

I went upstairs and got it and brought it outside and stood there with it pointed in the air for a good five minutes till my arms got sore. The helicopter did not move, but the light of the day glinted again and again of its side, having a semi hypnotic effect on me.

Then some clouds passed along by it and I couldn't tell if it were gliding off or the clouds floating by were just giving it the illusion it were. But when the clouds passed fully the helicopter took off at great speed and disappeared over Black's Mountain, outta site.

All day I had dark surmisings go through my head, a jittery nauseating fear course through my being, a feeling like my whole body were experiencing butterflies. I did a little research on the net about Black Helicopters and drew the conclusion 'they' were trying out a sound weapon on me to test its effectiveness.
I nearly cried when it got near dinner time and still I could think of nothing else. It felt as if my head mechanisms had been thrown into flux and were unspooling all over the insides of my skull like an old fashioned playback machine going haywire and sending its magnetic cassette tape out in great spastics of twisting, twisting confusion.

It got so I'd to call someone up and get a bag a weed to try and calm the seas of my psyche, but I am still waiting for the bastard who said he'd be here at half 8, but there's been no sign yet...


  1. The helicopter was part of the new surround sound. You missed it Danny. Apparently, Harold Bishop IS YOUR FATHER.

  2. andyluke - the government never told me they were delivering it this week! damn those incompetent beauraucrats!

    on yer 2nd point imagine how less gripping it would've been if it'd been harold bishop not darth vader delivering that news to luke at the end of empire strikes back???

  3. BISHOP: Well you can't get out of it. You may as well just knuckle down and ahem make the best of it. I don't want a fight.. I can see that this is important to you. Join me and I will complete your training in the general store. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict.

    LUKE: I'll never join you!

    BISHOP: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Lou never told you what happened to your father.

    LUKE: He told me enough! He told me he drowned at sea!

    BISHOP: Ha. Well, the thing of it is...

    Bishop rubs the back of his neck and cocks his chin three times.

    BISHOP: Oh, why do we need all this palaver. Look, why not have a nice cake slice??

    Shocked, Luke looks at Bishop in utter disbelief.

  4. ahhhhahahahaha!!! brilliant!

    that was ace of spades!

    BISHOP: Together we can conquer Erinsbrough!

  5. i love the velvet underground!

  6. TASHA - So do i, and as a matter of fact am sitting listening to 'sattelite of love' as i type!