It were lucky I ran into Dirty Jude this afternoon cos my ballsack was ready for bursting.
I saw her standing two places ahead of me at the local petrol station. She had in her basket a box of Malteasers and a pair of new silk tights. She still looked fine did Dirty Jude. Pushing 60 I'm sure, but you could shave a good few years off her figure on account of her having no kids, ergo she could pass for late 40s no worries.
I snuck my way up behind her and stuck my hand between her legs. She jumped with a Monroe twitter and gimmie a big smile when she saw it were yours truly, Danny Pongo.
- Hiya, Danny. Long time no see, chick. What you been at? And how's that moonbat ma of your's?
- I'm still duckin & divin, you know me, Dirty Jude. And my mother, she's got herself involved with some holy hollers that pedal their madness down in Cornmarket.
- Yer ma's a headcase. You wanna come for a drink with me, hot stuff? Talk over all our yesterdays?
- Lead the way, Vaseline Sheila -
- Oh fuck me! Haven't been called that in a while!
She took me to The Point on the Upper Newtownards Road, which is where she's from. She ordered a big jug of Sex On The Beach and two straws. We sat, most of the afternoon, perched over that one and 3 more after, noses nearly touching, talking about our very passionate sexual affair when I was all of Sweet 16.
- Guess we've yer ma to thank for introducing us. I remember the first time I met her, at that PTA meeting she brought you to. You were only around 9 or 10. I was the principal's secretary, and he'd me there taking notes. I remember after yer ma comin up to me cos we were wearing the same top...she said 'Yer wearin the same top as me. Go home or take it off', and I shot back, ' Go home yerself, and take that wee boy with you. Having him out at this time of night. No da and very little ma I think,' I said to her looking down at you.
- I remember that, Dirty Jude. I remember looking up at you. You had black fishnet stockings on. I could see right up your skirt.
- That's right. I remember you telling me that when we started dating. Called them my lucky stockings after that.
- I remember that like it were five minutes ago. You'd legs like Bo Derek and a do like Bonnie Tyler. I wanted to climb up those fishnets and crawl inside yer womb.
- Ahh haha! You were a dirty wee fucker even at that age, then?
- Always, Dirty Jude. Never keep a good dick down.
- Then yer ma invited me round for a game of Buckaroo that Christmas. There you were, ripped, with yer undercut, wearing a Nirvana T-Shirt. You were dick on a stick, hon.
- Yeah, sweetheart -
- And you knew it.
- I turned 41 that following January.
- We were both on the crest of our sexual peak, cos I turned 17 one month later -
- That's right sweetpea! February 14th...Not since Jesus bein born on Christmas Day did a person so suit a date of birth!
When we both ran outta dough we decamped to her house. We weren't even in the door before I had her on her back on the stairs, her soggy gusset round her ankles, me up & down like a piston, arse in the air, knees in the carpet, fucked her fast deep and hard, reckoned my dick coulda knocked holes through walls, the horny fast violence of every single stroke.
Afterward found us on her hammock in her conservatory. I brought up her penchant for role playing back then...
- Remember we fucked for a solid two days, and I was all like: 'I'm bored of just coming and coming and having these boring man-orgasms. I wish I knew what you felt every time you came, -
- And I told you I could make you know what that felt like.
- You were like a jittery virgin to begin with.
- So I spiced up proceedings. Suggested we play a little dress-up...
- You put me in yer babydoll and suspenders, -
- And I got my da's old dance hall threads from outta the roofspace.
- Hat and all with the feather in the brim.
- You were fucked off yer face that night.
- Yer uncle brought us some nice weed over.
- That's right...and you were lying on my big bed smokin a rocket and I came in the room wearin' me da's exotic dance hall threads, packin my big black latex strap-on, -
- And you were all like, 'Where's my money bitch?'
- And you were all, 'I don't have it, daddy!'
- And I said, 'Well you know what happens when bitches don't bring me my scratch?!'
- I said, 'You rape 'em wise?'
- That's right, stud...and I took my suit off, climbed in beside you, pulled yer babydoll up and peeled yer thong off, round yer nice round arse, Danny, -
- Slid that big black dong up there, -
- Don't forget, spat on me hand and rubbed it all round yer hole for lube, -
- Then slid it up there,-
- Fucked you nice and smooth, -
- I called you daddy, -
- And I was all, 'You gonna come bitch, you gonna come...'
- And fuck did I come. Most dick climaxes are over in the blink of an eye...seriously...just like that. I come in a woman and she's shaking and moaning long, long after I am...
- But I learnt you how to come like a woman that night, Danny...
- That you did, Dirty Jude...That you did...
I started stiffening up again. She slipped her thong off and I stuck my finger and thumb up her hole.
Still my Back Door Man, lover...
- “The men don't know; but the little girls understand.”
Dirty Jude did that Monroe twitter again, then yielded sweetly...