Today on Jeremy Kyle I witnessed what must surely be the greatest piece of TV of the millennium. On stage was a distraught weeping woman who’s children had been murdered by her bullying abusive boyfriend. Kyle sat at her feet on the steps of the stage, as he is inclined to do, and verbally prodded her into describing the complex and many ways he used to beat. Then, pausing for dramatic effect and breathing heavily, he got her to tell the audience and all the people at home what he forced her to do one afternoon. ‘One of the most heinous acts you’ll ever hear on the Jeremy Kyle show,’ he said.
‘He made me eat the ashes of his dead first wife,’ she wailed. Kyle repeated what she said in his highly camp pantomime way when he is hit with a mix of incredulity and anger, then turned to the camera and said ‘after the break how he killed her kids. Keep it Kyle,’ he menaced as I laughed in his face over and over like you would at the growing irrateness of an SS officer. It was one of the funniest moments of the weeks TV.
I was lying in bed beside Mad Kimba watching this – here, - she said – he’s never said that before ‘Keep It Kyle’ – I wouldn’t know – I said – I don’t watch this show much.
I’m staying with Kimba for a couple of days while Aloysius sleeps. He has been sleeping for a week now, ever since I caught him in the bath that day pulling one off to ‘Teen Rid On Sofa Like A Horse’ or something; or I think that was one I watched last night. So I’m here with her while he sleeps and while Kimba’s lesbian mistress is away to Lourdes I’ve been throwing her one on the sly. The mistress is ‘ferosh’ Kimba tells me………
But just now Aloysius just got of the phone to tell me he is finally awake. He tells me he’s had a long 4-day dream in which he was a character in Tron but that it was set in Walton Mountain. I told him I think he watches too much television.