Saturday, 12 March 2011

It Isn't Right, You'll Never Know - I Am So Sad, Why Did You Go?

What would take people out on a day like this? – Thought I as me and Party Time dandered up the road near to where my house is. Party Time needed some smokes so we stopped at the Centra at the corner of my street and I waited outside while he went in and got them. He started taking some time so I went into the offies two doors up and bought myself a little ¼ of Glen’s vod and sat throwing it into me on the steps of the offies by a couple of old soaks and a gypsy selling a copy of the Big Issue from years ago. Then who passes but Kimba and her new beau. I clock straight of she’s wearing an engagement ring and then take a good look at the job they done on her melted off face and was glad and not a little surprised to see they’d fixed her up pretty good, save for the general Clingfilm sheen she emitted, but that could be easily explained away as over-moisturising or pregnancy glow.
- Here, - I went harassingly, getting up and following – you never told me you were getting hitched? Kimba? Who’s this punk?
The beau turned on me and got in my face. He smelt of expensive cologne and was wearing some dear looking trainers.
  - I should kick your fuck in, what you done to her, cunt, - went this big Tarzan – who turned out to be, after I give him a good shove and took a close look at his face, who it was was the Holocaust Spide I’d karate chopped one time before. He’d certainly filled out the little cunt. He’d gone from Otto Franks to Dolph Lundran since I seen him last.
- Bitch, you never call or write – I went to Kimba – What’s happening, what’ve you taken up with this sucker for?
- Like you were gonna amount to much, Danny Pongo.
- Did I see you playing frizzbe with this one a month or two ago in the Ormeau Park?
- Yeah, that was me. Me and Holocaust Spide met up at a Victims’ Support Group over a year ago. I was still goin with you when I met him. We’d met months before that time you came in and caught us bumming on the floor. He displays more grace and gentlemanliness in a day than you have your whole life Danny Pongo!!!
- Well, I hope you and this brute are very happy together, - said I while Kimba looked on expectantly. Holocaust Spide flexed and clenched his fists. – What, bitch? You think I’m going to shed a tear for you? Fuck, I’d sooner fall on my sword!

I looked away and Holocaust Spide pulled a fly one and smacked me full pelt right at the back end of my jaw. Luckily Party Time had got out of the shop with his smokes and ran at a gallop full force head first into Holocaust Spide and smashed his kisser up real good.

We left Holocaust Spide on his back on the footpath his own teeth strewn about his person like bones’d been thrown. Kimba stood to one side screaming blue murder. I gripped my jaw on the left side and felt it’d come away at two points. Party Time stalked up and down the street scaring grannies and precious mothers out with their children on their late afternoon/early evening constitutionals. Without much fanfare he grabbed Kimba slung her over his shoulder then threw her in the boot of my motor.

I was feeling very sinister as I pulled out with a screech and gunned the shit heap car toward the bridge so I stuck this one in the tape deck.

After a four-hour wait in the hospital I got my jaw wired up by a sexy small-tits nurse. I am sitting now writing this with my feet up on Kimba who is down on all fours before me in a type of ‘human furniture’ sort of programming Party Time has fitted her with after having injected her with something first. I am pumping this track into her skull over and over and over and over…


  1. i love reading your blog
    when ever i get a spare 15 mins i always come to your blog
    you set my mood in such a way that it makes my worries of life seem pointless

    thank you!

  2. no worries, love. its nice to feel useful ;)

  3. Ahh.. I need to catch up on some of your past stories.. Getting to know some of your scummy characters but am not properly up to date.. These short tales from your misanthropic world always make me laugh..

  4. This Would Make a Great Commercial For A New Model Of Car (voiceover by Jeremy Clarkson)

  5. Kimba is such a sweet name.
    I hope she appreciates you and you two have an eternal love (only if that's what you want)
    All the best,

  6. DumbBaby - haha! glad there's some mirthful succor to be taken from this strange world i've found myself in

    tony - The Boards of Canada track? It's crakcer, ain't it?

    j - i dunno if appreciating me is how she feels, but eternal love, she's got that even if she don't know it, - till the restraining order's taken out that is...!

  7. Is Limba a lioness? Nice name, nice read. Nicer listening to the Aquatones. BTW I left a reply to your Nirubu comment at my place, have a read. Danny did u know you type with an accent too? Unique.

  8. Cathy - Kimba is deffinitely of the feline species, a lioness though...hmm...not sure! Niburu is a kerfuffle to me - hear so many conflicting mythos info on it i don't know what to believe...and yes aren't the aquatones such a sweet little group - i think we should send this track to the niburians if they ever come for the accent, sometimes, the way some people speak its just easier typing it phonetically!