The wise Tupac Shakur in one of his songs once alluded to the pleasure to pain ratio between the moment of conception (pleasure) and the ensuing 9 months of pain. Even with all his wisdom though I bet he could have never imagined the pain of trying to perform an abortion with a leaf blower. Brenda’s got a baby ain’t even got shit on that!
My sis’ Micheesha ran us up to Carryduff to a big garden centre where we hired a leaf blower. Afterward Kimba said she felt bad cos Micheesha kept going on about how she couldn’t wait till Kimba had the triplets. As she had three kids herself she liked to imagine that one day when ours were big enough they could all be friends, her kids and ours. Kimba had to pretend like she was all excited too.
- You’re a good little hustler, I told her. - You had her well convinced.
- You don’t understand, Danny. She’s all excited. She told me she’s getting all broody again.
- Well that would be a mistake, her havin another one. She better not think she’ll be getting more benefits from the government. Derek’s gonna stop all those benefits for single mothers. Knowing Derek he’ll make it that any child born to a single mother will be fed into a massive incinerator producing clean ’green’ energy in a grand magick ritual in honour of Gaia.
- Your type of fella.
- Away and fuck.
When we got home and got the leaf blower out of the box we were pleasantly surprised to discover it had a ’suck’ as well as a ’blow’ function.
- That’s good, said Kimba. - That means we can suck their brains out like that website about Bill Clinton says what happens in partial birth abortions. I didn’t know how it was going to work anyway if it could only blow up there. Would’ve blown me up like a balloon, Danny…hawr hawr hawr!
- Your eyeballs would’ve popped out and bobbed there like a fish on a hook. I would have gently tapped them back and forth with my finger tips, like a kitten with a ball of wool.
I got the bowling pin Bogdan give to me (that he’d got from his uncle who used to manage the Superbowl) from under the bed while Kimba smeared her cunt with Vaseline. I’d already racked up a couple of lines of Mephedrone that she hovered up, so’s to give her the horn. I kissed her deep and she got her tongue right in my mouth and I closed my lips round it and sucked, sucked it like I was sucking dick. She groaned and I shoved 3 fingers up inside her, everything squelchy as her fat gelled meat curtains yielded loosely and swelled in the middle like 2 slugs in transit.
Soon my fist was pistoning, wrist deep, in and out of her and she was arched and groaning deeply like Exorcist Linda Blair. Her head twisted sharply to the left and she eyed urgently the bowling pin that lay on the pillow beside her. I handed it to her and quickly withdrew my fist. She shoved the pin up there (Setting the cast, she squealed) and I got the leaf blower (sucker) turned it on and stuck it in an inch and a half or so. Her squeals instantly turned to agonised, convulsive wails.
Bits of our babies ran out like red Slush Puppy onto a big hotel towel Kimba had nicked from the Europa Hotel especially for the occasion. I wrapped all the parts up like a parcel and put them in a laundry basket.
Kimba lay mumbling on the bed. Her blood wet little stick legs were stiff with tension and wiggling. - Leave them there. We’ll divvy the parts up tomorrow. That fuckin bitch Mistress won’t know what’s hit her.